Signing Off, For Now

Years ago, I did what the Jesuits call a 19th annotation or a Retreat in Daily Life. That involved a 30 minute prayer period every day and monthly consultations with a spiritual director.

The trickiest part of the 19th annotation was finding time and space to pray.

I'd often pray at night in our small condo unit when my wife was asleep. But sometimes she'd wake up and (maybe because she was pregnant then) I had to attend to her. My spiritual director said it was absolutely right to attend to my wife during those moments and interrupt prayer.

I find myself in a similar situation now. Doing these daily posts takes time. Sometimes I know what to write after taking one look at the readings. At other times, it's a struggle. I have to go through the passages several times. I have to look at bible notes or search the internet (including Wikipedia!) for inspiration. This season of Lent has been particularly difficult readings-wise.

And it's time I need for other things like dissertation (the tragedy being that I'm more consistent here on Readings for the Day than in dissertation. Maybe this time around, "the wife" is the dissertation). I also need time to rest and release myself from dealing with one more daily expectation.

So last night, I decided it's time to stop posting readings for the day until such time as conditions are right again. I was hoping to finish all three mass cycles but I guess I'll have to defer that ambition.

Thanks to all the faithful readers and it's amazing that I see that there are consistent readers from Russia (!), the U.S., and of course, the Philippines.

I don't know when I'll be back but you can subscribe to the blog by email. There's a subscription button to the right and that could be a way to alert you to new posts.

It's been fun while it lasted, especially those moments when I'd reflect on eschatology, Saul, and John the Baptist. Maybe the message is, that's enough for now. I've learned what I've needed to learn at this point in time.

Squandering Our Freedom (Luke 15:11-32)

(An old essay, undated)

It is a natural tendency of young people to want to assert their freedom vis a vis their elders. But I think that it’s a much more basic truth that the tension between freedom and responsibility, guidance and independence is something we live with all throughout our lives. The only difference is that when we were younger we articulated this tensions rather violently, questioning authority, always asking “Why?” As we get older, we live out these questions, perpetually facing situations (in relationships, in work) where we have to ask “Why should I do what is right when I derive so much satisfaction from doing what is wrong?” We find ourselves failing to disclose information to our bosses, figuring that the less they know, the freer we are to do as we please. As we grow up, we resent bosses who are perpetually “in our face”.

I think the same is true of our spiritual lives. How often has it been said that we are merely Sunday Catholics who go to mass probably to avoid the burden of guilt or out of tradition and habit? And isn’t it the normal occurrence that we frequent our God only when we need help? We ask for “divine intervention” or seek guidance over a decision” and more often then not, we leave God alone, or more accurately, we tell God “Thanks for being around, but I think we can do it on our own. We’ll tell you if we need your help”.

What the Son asked for in the story of theProdigal Son was much more than his material inheritance but also his freedom. Like a rebellious teen-ager, the Prodigal Son asked for the wealth and independence that was to be eventually his and wandered far away from his Father’s guidance. What the Prodigal Son squandered was much more than his material wealth but also the freedom to choose what to do with his life, away from anyone telling him what he ought to do, counseling him on what is right and what is wrong.

But the Son quickly learned that this was the wrong way to live. He realized that, acting alone, he had squandered his freedom and found himself bankrupt, bankrupt materially and bankrupt of any form of meaningful existence. He therefore resolved to go back to his Father, willing to become a slave. The Father rejoiced upon seeing him return, happy to see him and probably happy that the son had come to the right mature decision on his own. Instead of making the Son a slave, the Father gave to the Son wealth and restored to him the freedom he had squandered.

It isn’t clear from the Gospels why the Son returned. Was it because he was truly sorry for what he had done to His Father, the insult of asking for his inheritance while his father was still alive? Or was it because he ran out of money and therefore he had to find the means to sustain his existence? Something tells me it was the latter reason. The Prodigal Son is so much like us, running to Papa only when we are in trouble. The nice thing about our God is that, like a fool, he always obliges us, at least with his presence.

There’s also nothing in the Gospels about what happened to the Prodigal Son after the feast. He probably conducted mini-experiments with his newly resurrected freedom.

All throughout our lives we feel this tension, this need to “strike it out on our own”. We learn to resent authority and publicly (or behind everyone’s backs) question all the rules. This maybe valid to some extent when we are guided by human (and therefore imperfect) authority. Sometimes, the responsible thing to do is to responsibly question authority and institutions to learn the meaning behind these authorities and institutions or to improve them (or to get rid of them if that’s necessary)

But what I think the story of the Prodigal Son teaches us is that it never pays to stray too far from our God. Like the Prodigal Son, if we squander our freedom we will eventually reach the point where our existence will seem meaningless. Our freedom is only relevant when we exercise it within the guidance of the Almighty.

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Post-script. 

What does it mean then not to stray too far from God? I don’t think it is necessarily to follow the Hierarchical Church blindly. There are certain moral rules with roots in the Church that have become universally accepted as Universal values. But we must remember that the Church itself is an institution, thus an imperfect representation of the Will of Christ. Like all institutions, it must constantly be improved.

I think staying close to God means prayer and an active sacramental life. These actions are manifestations of our desire to stay close to God. In the end, I think all the Father needs is for us to continually express the desire to be close to Him. A famous prayer articulates well this desire:

Day by Day, oh Dear Lord

Three things I pray,

To see thee more clearly,

To love thee more dearly,

To follow thee more nearly,

Day by Day

When we express that desire persistently, we learn slowly that God will not allow us to stray too far from him.